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Happy Tuesday everyone! And what a beautiful Tuesday it is. Perhaps the greatest Tuesday in the history of Tuesdays! And why are you asking? Well, I woke up this morning to find that the new Superman is bisexual!
Finally! As powerful as a locomotive! Able to go from women to men in one leap! I haven't been so excited since learning the true identity of the Joker!
* Clips of Kamala Harris laughing *
Now he's not really Superman like in the original Superman. retired, lives in Hoboken and buys gold from William Devane. This is Jon Kent, the son of Superman and Lois Lane.
He was a Superboy for a while, before Dad said: “Hey, it's time to become a man.” And then was immediately canceled for using gender stereotypes. So he became Superman, and hooks up with a young male reporter. Yeah, so Superman is bi - and I say it's a long time coming. Jimmy Olsen, it was worth the wait.
Because if there was one thing that was important to me as a child ten-year-old who read comics, who was it bythe characters were sexually attracted. It made me crazy. I needed to know who Batman was sleeping with - other than Robin. Yeah, calling him the wonder boy, that made me wonder. And he couldn't slide along that bat stick just for fun.
NEW SUPERMAN WILL BE REVEALED AS BISEXUAL IN A UPCOMING ISSUE OF DC COMICS
I also wanted to know if the Archies were in bondage. And I just assumed Aquaman was into watersports. So are the rubber sheets.
True - I hadn't even hit puberty yet; I'm still waiting in fact! But it pained me to think that our fictional superheroes were trapped in traditional sex roles. Spiderman could swing between buildings - but he couldn't swing back and forth.
Ever since I was a kid, reading comics, I saw that they had more boots, gloves and masks than a West Village leather store. It was like Brit Hume's closet. And yet, I was as frustrated as a porcupine in a balloon factory.
Where were the superheroes that reflected who I was? A sexually confused young boy, with acne, no friends and an obsession with macrame. It was not about finding something outside of my life, but something that reflected my life. Because if they don't reflect my lifestyle, I can't enjoy them. Every movie has to have someone like me - or I refuse to watch it.
Of course, some comic book characters share traits with me. Scrooge McDuck was rich, but didn't wear pants. Astroboy was small. But looked great in red boots and black shorts. Luke cage looked great in jeans without chemitted - it's as shredded as a bag of Mozzarella Sargento. We shared this together.
Hmm - no pants, great abs, red boots. I just described Kilmeade at the last FNC Christmas party!
DEAN CAIN: SUPERMAN BEING BISEXUAL IN DC COMICS IS 'BANDWAGONING '
My point - who really cares? No child cares or wants to care who Superman kisses. The guy is faster than a locomotive and able to jump tall buildings in one leap! I think it might pique a child's curiosity more than what or who they connect with. Especially since kids who read comics usually don't have sex until their 30s.
So this begs a question: why is this happening? Why is this forcedin a medium where it is not necessary? It's like announcing that they have gluten free crusts in a pie tasting contest. No one asked, and no one cares. But that doesn't matter.
This is not for the consumer. It 's up to companies to cover their asses. There is a desperate need to signal virtue to those who don't even read comics, as a way to protect businesses from criticism for their pasts. And the criticism is always the same: the lack of
Something you 've never heard of in the NBA. But companies end up trying to appeal to people who don't even use your product. You see it with ESPN.
This network is boring because it continues to lecture sports fans in order to please a crowd that couldn't tell the difference between a jockstrap and a sports bra. A mistake I will never make again.
Everyone everywhere is so terrified of the waking crowd, that they will turn their art into propaganda. So they hire a miserable graduate in summerGender udes to help them create awake products that keep them safe from the online crowd.
Suddenly, it's not about adventure - it's about indoctrination. I wonder what the angry white male has to say.
Tom Shillue: Me, I have no interest in the personal life of superheroes or comic books. 'elsewhere. I guess I'm old school, but I think adults should act like adults. Anyway, I have to get to work.
But this media stunt is also a trap for critics. In other words, if you say it's the dumbest thing since salad, then you become the target. Instead of mocking this is desperate wokism, the media will instead mock those who find the idea absurd.
So as in a Chaplin movie, nobody says anything. Why? Well, we are nice people. But, unfortunately, we are now in a world that iinsists that we need to care.
They ask for our advice, and if we don't give it, then we are part of the problem. And imagine what Superman feels when you tell him about his character update ...
* Sketch of agents telling Superman he needs to get more awake *
And so, the gap between your public position and how you really feel, widens. Publicly you say "wow, Superman - you go boy. " But in private you know what a bunch of bulls *** this is.
So go ahead. Turn Superman into a political theater. I don 't care. But every time you wait for me to care, I fuck you up. Even if you didn't pay me first.
Because in a just world, it is none of our business. I don 't need any knowledgeir what you love sexually, no more than you need to know what turns me on ... and why that requires a sock full of 9 volt batteries.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld 's opening monologue in the October 12, 2021 edition of "Gutfeld!